My Experience of Depression
The Distress of Depression
It would appear to me that depression is very variable in terms of its intensity and effect upon the sufferer. The two extremes ranging from feeling low and sad through to utter despair where only suicide would bring an end to the suffering.
I have experienced depression to varying degrees for much of my adult life, although I do recall at school being bullied psychologically as I sought to adhere and live out my Christian beliefs; my response was to withdraw into myself. The net result was that I left school at the earliest opportunity with very limited academic qualifications. It was only later in life through extensive self study that I ultimately gained a Masters degree in economics from the University of …. When I felt well enough I have found academic study to be a “balm” to my troubled mind, at other times I have been too depressed even to read. With this qualification I was able to pursue a career as an academic. During much of this time I was free of the most severe symptoms of my illness. This continued for over a decade interspersed with periods of depression and as a result I resorted to alcohol in order to soothe my troubled mind. This period also included times of extreme lethargy. Despite setbacks I was successful in my career and was promoted to Principal Lecturer in .. at a very early age. However, my depressive illness increased and I was very debilitated by it, to the point where I would just sit and stare into space unable to do the simplest of tasks. I was also very ‘slowed up’ both physically and mentally. By this time I was receiving hospital treatment but I was unresponsive to anti-depressants. My doctor advised me to give up work at college which was a great sadness for me, although it was a relief to not longer have to battle to keep going when I felt so ill.
By this time I felt very ill and I had various physical symptoms such as stomach pains and flu like symptoms and I was convinced that I had cancer. My doctor referred my to a specialist physician who after thorough investigation ruled out a physical cause for my feeling so ill. The distress of low mood has been linked with periods of intense anxiety. At such times this was so great that I was obsessed with ending my life to escape this distressed experience which included repetitive painful thoughts and anxiety attacks. These thoughts of suicide in my worst times have escalated to planning how I would actually do it. What actually stopped me doing this were the dual thoughts that it would be wrong to do as a Christian to the extent that I would lose my eternal inheritance and secondly I would be unsuccessful and end up just damaging myself. Never the less there are many times when if I could have had an injection that would just put me to sleep, such as that administered to a dog, I would have done it.
My self esteem is low and of late it has felt even lower together with a lack of confidence and forgetfulness which has resulted in my checking everything I do which I find very tiresome. As to the future I would love to improve my health to the point where I could return to my career, as I write, this still seems a long way off. One problem is that I have been off work for so long that I have de-skilled particularly with computing which has now become such a feature in the academic world; I would also need to be able to concentrate for longer times that at present.
Treatment
The treatment I have received through the NHS has been very good. My GP is very sympathetic, caring and patient and readily changes my medications as directed by my consultant Psychopharmacologist (to whom I was referred by my consultant psychiatrist as my depressive illness was proving difficult to treat.)
My only criticism was three to four years ago when my consultant psychiatrist prescribed a course of Electro Convulsive Therapy (ECT) for me. I raised my concern that I was on Monoamine Oxidase Inhibitors (MAOIs) and there could be an adverse reaction with the general anaesthetic that would be given. I was assured on more than one occasion that all would be well, unfortunately this was not the case as my blood pressure, and resting pulse went up to very high levels and I was admitted to the acute assessment unit at …. Hospital.
I have found my treatment at clinic 7 very beneficial as the consultant (Dr Mlaizia), has tried different types of anti-depressants at varying levels both to lessen my depression and increase my general motivation and activity. This has met with some success.
Several years ago my then consultant psychiatrist referred me for a course of treatment at the Priory Bristol, and I’m afraid to report that I found this stay unhelpful.
Depression Society Spirituality and Philosophy
To many the notion that the human mind can be in a state of anguish, when there is nothing to agonise about and find that this same tormented mind can ransack the body and soul and suck out strength, feelings and positive emotion, or indeed any hint of happiness is hard to contemplate. Indeed to the many who have not passed through this dark valley of doubt and fear, and at times total despair such an illness would seem beyond belief. Why even the complexity, the qualitative, some may say anecdotal nature of medical opinion provides the opportunity for perplexing doubts and misleading interpretations as to the true nature of this morbidity. No peaceful reassurance of an absolute quantitative diagnosis, thus leaving sufferer and casual observer to ask the question, is this an illness? Is this idleness? Is this self pity or some other deceitfully constructed malaise of avoidance to life? Or is depression all of these and more.
If this apparently meaningless mental torment is indeed genuine, is it a malfunction of mind, body or spirit? Again the answer is all three, for the mind controls the body and the brain gives us the ability to comprehend mankind’s unique relationship with our creator, thus mind and spirit are linked through comprehension and faith. Spiritual depression is sometimes quoted in isolation from mind and body as if some act of disbelief has been the prerequisite to the specific state of spiritual depression. To claim that such a person is suffering in this way adds much to the despair and crushing guilt. For to study the Bible, and thereby feed the soul requires an element of focus and concentration much greater than a few fleeting moments, a basic function so often denied the depressed mind. This failure can so increase the sense of guilt, of sin, to the point where the despair and the sense of eternal death trouble the mind to a very great extent. Bertrand Russell in his essay “a free man’s society” so clearly articulates these, where in deep depression he claims, “all the inspiration, all the devotion, all the labour of the ages, all the noonday brightness of human genius are destined to extinction in the vast death of the solar system”, in spite of doubts, deep down inside the Christian depressive can know that Bertrand Russell’s terminal pessimism is incorrect, for the Bible claims an undeniable redemption for all of us’ right through from the book of Genesis to Revelation, regardless of our mortal state.
So why do so many Christians focus upon depression in a manner that infers some error on the part of the sufferer that needs “spiritual healing”. It has been said that depression is the only physical illness that has spiritual symptoms, how true I have found this to be. Yes there is the physical dimension of bio-chemical imbalance, but it would seem that there is much we do not know about depression, it is therefore also a mystery.
However what many do not accept or comprehend is that until the mood is lifted through medication to the extent of rationally being able to comprehend Biblical truths one cannot hope to improve the spiritual state, indeed not to accept this relationship is at best distressing, and at worst fatal.
In spite of an awareness of depression only those who have experienced severe clinical depression over prolonged periods of time to the extent that they would rather stop living, have the right and “qualification” to testify to the trauma it can bring. Indeed some medical opinion states that depression in its severest form constitutes one of the worst forms of suffering know to man. This view is vividly demonstrated by Primo Levi who in the last few years of his life confessed that “it is a fact that one who has not been profoundly depressed is not able to comprehend its horror and loneliness, they can listen, sympathise and imagine, but they cannot feel”. Primo Levi has said that what he experienced in Auschwitz was not as bad as when he was in the grip of deep depression.
