Saturday 16th June
"Upon waking in the morning, I am always aware of my body feeling electrified, like I have ants crawling on my sweat sodden body. My mind is uncontrolable from minute one, ruminating over and over the same visual "stories". Thoughts of suicide in numerous ways; hanging, train tracks, cutting my wrists - anything that will release me from this terrible mindset. I will swiftly rise from bed and find myself wishing that "GOD" or someone will do something about this. I am completely preoccupied with the reason as to why is this happening to me and why is it so bad, why am I not responding to medication. Daily life is so very difficult, my new behaviours are so far removed from normal it is ridiculously challenging. A walk to the shop is filled with panic attacks, a visit from a friend is pondered over and often I will try and cancel - I don't want people seeing me in this horrendous state. My whole family are at a loss as to what to do - all they can do is watch from the sidelines unable to comprehend what on earth is going on for me. To say I am suicidal is an understatement. I keep saying this - "I don't know how much more I can take". My thoughts are attrocious, angry, scared, terrified, sad, lonely, death, dreams of a final funeral. Continually finding two reasons I don't commit suicide and they are selfless. I don't want someone to have to go through the horror of finding me, and It would destroy so many in my family. I am embroiled in a seemingly pointless battle, both with my own mind and with the doctors that make up my own community mental health team. I want something very swift to happen to me; an effective antidepressant? ECT? SURGERY? Anything to stop this. I have tried every intervention I think known to man; Mindfulness, meditation, CBT, EMDR, Vitamins, Minerals, Activities, Walking, running, weight training, riding bike, sleeping (when my mind lets me) to name but a few because I am forgetting some. I had problems before this recent situation but two and a half years ago my mind suddenly turned into a scene from a horror movie. If I am not put straight then I am afraid I will find a way of dying that means no-one will find my body. Only another sufferer of this condition would truly understand my plight, or maybe in addition a very well versed and practiced doctor. It is shocking to think that the mind could be so very powerful and turn in on oneself in such a negative way. As a result of being ill I have lost everything, my Wife, my children, my home, my friends. I am struggling to stay on the bottom rungs of the social ladder and it hurts so much and is so very hard to interact with other humans I often wonder why I still try."
You can respond to Benn with comments below
"Upon waking in the morning, I am always aware of my body feeling electrified, like I have ants crawling on my sweat sodden body. My mind is uncontrolable from minute one, ruminating over and over the same visual "stories". Thoughts of suicide in numerous ways; hanging, train tracks, cutting my wrists - anything that will release me from this terrible mindset. I will swiftly rise from bed and find myself wishing that "GOD" or someone will do something about this. I am completely preoccupied with the reason as to why is this happening to me and why is it so bad, why am I not responding to medication. Daily life is so very difficult, my new behaviours are so far removed from normal it is ridiculously challenging. A walk to the shop is filled with panic attacks, a visit from a friend is pondered over and often I will try and cancel - I don't want people seeing me in this horrendous state. My whole family are at a loss as to what to do - all they can do is watch from the sidelines unable to comprehend what on earth is going on for me. To say I am suicidal is an understatement. I keep saying this - "I don't know how much more I can take". My thoughts are attrocious, angry, scared, terrified, sad, lonely, death, dreams of a final funeral. Continually finding two reasons I don't commit suicide and they are selfless. I don't want someone to have to go through the horror of finding me, and It would destroy so many in my family. I am embroiled in a seemingly pointless battle, both with my own mind and with the doctors that make up my own community mental health team. I want something very swift to happen to me; an effective antidepressant? ECT? SURGERY? Anything to stop this. I have tried every intervention I think known to man; Mindfulness, meditation, CBT, EMDR, Vitamins, Minerals, Activities, Walking, running, weight training, riding bike, sleeping (when my mind lets me) to name but a few because I am forgetting some. I had problems before this recent situation but two and a half years ago my mind suddenly turned into a scene from a horror movie. If I am not put straight then I am afraid I will find a way of dying that means no-one will find my body. Only another sufferer of this condition would truly understand my plight, or maybe in addition a very well versed and practiced doctor. It is shocking to think that the mind could be so very powerful and turn in on oneself in such a negative way. As a result of being ill I have lost everything, my Wife, my children, my home, my friends. I am struggling to stay on the bottom rungs of the social ladder and it hurts so much and is so very hard to interact with other humans I often wonder why I still try."
You can respond to Benn with comments below
2 comments:
Dear Benn,
Your comments here have touched me - probably because I can empathise with them so much. I am assuming from the title of your piece that you have either found the clinc haven't managed to find a solution to your problems yet or that they have helped in the past and you now find yourself getting ill again. I fit into the former category. I am still seeking some resolution to my mh problems and, like you, have been through the full gamut of ECT, psychotherapy, toxic cocktails of drugs etc etc. At present I feel that I would be prepared to try anything in order not to keep suffering. I don't feel that I have a life - just a meaningless existence. I continually question the purpose of continuing a life which is so full of pain and would seem to have no hope at all in improving. I can also identify with the loss of your family, relationships and friends.
I'm afraid I have no wise words or solutions to offer you. However, as a fellow sufferer, I can only say that I live my life minute by minute, try to find some distraction even if it only occupies a few moments and when the urge to kill myself becomes too strong to bear I share those feelings with someone. I find that telling another person often diffuses its intensity. Also remind yourself that the urges can abate. I have been bereaved by suicide. Since you mention one of the reasons you don't kill yourself is the effect that it would have on others I would urge you to cling to that. The death of someone you love by suicide is a death which is, I find, impossible to come to terms with.
Finally, you have posted your feelings on this site and although you state that "you wonder why (you) still try" - there must be a part of you which is still prepared to fight - however tenuous the link may feel at the moment.
I would urge you to hold onto that tenacity. Respect and nurture it. Reach out to people who understand (there are a lot of us about!) and keep hoping that something will come along that ends this nightmare.
With you in spirit.
Take good care.
I would like to share the helplessness of being in the presence of unmitigated suffering and agony. My daughter has been ill with this brand of depression that is immune to all treatment modalities. It is as if the depressive illness has acquired resistance to all that is be available in life, like resistant bacteria. It has taken our loved one hostage, keeps her in his clutches. Neither the illness nor the victim held in his clutches can be reached. A citadel with impenetrable walls holds the victim. Only a few brave of heart dare to approach the monster to try to save our dearest child. Dr Melitza is one of the few who attempt breaching this abominable wall. It is unconscionable to hinder him in his heroic efforts to help our unreachable very dear one, lost in the pit of unimaginable suffering and despair.
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